Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Overheard on a Tube for Boobs

Pardon me if I paraphrase (due to working from memory) the following ridiculous claims I've recently heard on television advertisements:

1. For Stamps dot com: "There's nothing worse than going to the post office and standing in line." What an easy life YOU have!

2. For Audible dot com: (with repulsion:) "My GRANDMOTHER listens to books!" How nice of you to diss your dear old granny; you wouldn't want to be caught dead doing anything SHE does!

3. For Christian Mingle: "God is saying 'it's your turn to act.'" Not a bad concept (for those who believe) but in the context of this ad, it sounds like a testimonial; I want to see it in writing, with an original signature. Also from Christian Mingle: "You're Christian. You're single." I'm neither.

4. For V8, who should know better: "Do you sometimes wish vegetables didn't taste so... vegetably?" No, never. I like vegetables just the way they are. Do you ever wish commercials didn't sound so... commercial-ly?

5. For Fiber One: "Fiber yes, cardboard no." Thanks for perpetuating the myth that anything good for you has to taste like crap. What a wonderful contribution to education. Of course you can get fiber from a banana, too, and bananas are cheaper than Fiber One, possibly because they advertise less (say, whatever happened to Chiquita Banana, anyway? Did she get sued by Carmen Miranda or just fade away?)

6. For Manwich: "There's a full serving of vegetables in every (can? spoonful? gallon? oh serving, oooookay....) of Manwich." No, there's not. Honestly. The main ingredient in Manwich is tomato puree, which is mostly water, and at any rate tomato is NOT A VEGETABLE. It was declared a vegetable by the supreme court over 100 years ago in the context of whether or not to tax its importation, and Ronald Reagan purported to believe that catsup was a vegetable, but politics can't turn a fruit into a vegetable; it can only convince everyone that it is (sort of the same way it can convince people that health care reform involves death panels, and rich people deserve more tax breaks than poor people). Meanwhile, farther down on the ingredients list, less than two percent of this product consists of a dozen items, some of which are dehydrated onions and red and green bell peppers and garlic, and chili pepper not said to be dehydrated, which means it's just the powder. I don't think those count toward a serving, and they're the only veggies mentioned. And FURTHERMORE, they too perpetuate the myth, in some of their other ads, that it is VITAL to hide any vegetable content (as if there BEING any such content were not also a myth!) from children, because veggies are yucky. Of course, children watch these ads and learn that veggies are yucky. Kids who get served real veggies and are not told they're yucky do not necessarily form this opinion on their own, especially if what they're served is fresh and well prepared (meaning, in most cases, not boiled).

Well, a half dozen should hold us for now. Happy viewing.